Jul 17, 2009

Least Favorite News Conventions

1) Putting "-gate" on everything potentially scandalous. "Watergate" was the name of the effing building. It wasn't a scandal about Water, you tards.

2) "Breaking the Glass (insert random noun)" - "Breaking the Glass Ceiling" can't become "Breaking the Glass Rotors" just because she's a female helicopter pilot. There's no such thing as glass rotors on a helicopter. Besides, the term "glass ceiling" is a metaphor for an projected inability to move up in one's organization based on being a member of a relative minority.

3) "Balanced Reporting" = Putting two loud and diametrically opposed people on the screen and let them scream over the top of one another. Balanced reporting should be a calm and logical explanation and representation of the facts, not a cage match of the most enthusiastic extremes.

4) "Breaking News" = It might be an explosion, it could be a kitten up a tree, but it's HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!

5) Editorializing masquerading as "professional interpretation." You're a talking head, not a truth filter.

6) Pharmaceutical sponsorship - ever wonder why the ads during news channels tend to be treatments for depression, ADD, and sexual dysfunction? Maybe it's all the news' fault that we're all unable to maintain an election. Yes. I punned. Get over it.

7) Reporting on the News: yes, we get it - you're the news agencies. We realize that when you run out of things to talk about, you talk about yourself. But that's when we're changing the channel.

8) Talking about the other guys: this reminds me about dating girls who talked smack about their past boyfriends. It always made me think, "god, how are you going to rip on me to the next guy you go out with?" Keep it professional, and stop trying to talk yourself up to me against your competition. Ripping on them just makes me want to go watch them instead of you.9) Graphics and High-techitude: if it gets in the way of the information it's supposed to be providing, then maybe you need to stick to just talking.

10) Ripping on the Internet, Bloggers, Twitter and YouTube: they'll always be just a little better and faster and have less commercials than you. Stop whining.

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